Cart Before the Horse

I've seen this over and over.  A parent has a kid who is rebellious, or somehow "can't get right."  Sometimes they have two, a neglected angel and a demon who just can't seem to get it together now matter how much punishment is heaped upon them.

If asked to explain, parents will say that the good child doesn't need all the attention, all the punishment and consequences and extra rules and removed privileges.  The rebellious child does.  And yet...and yet, it doesn't work.  Over and over the misbehaving child gets all the attention and the one desperately performing obedience gets hardly a second look.

I invite you into the possibility that the rebellious child is rebellious BECAUSE of all the negative attention, because of the stifling restrictions, because of the punishment.  I invite you into the possibility that the obedient child, the over achiever, the maker and doer and pleaser is that way because of their neglect. 

The disobedient child has two agendas.  One, they get all the attention.  In much of human evolution, more attention meant a better chance at survival.  Children naturally seek attention.  In fact, both of these children seek attention, each in their own way.  It's the problem child that wins that fight, though.  But there is another struggle.  Even as children struggle to stay close to us, they also struggle to create distance.  They need space to develop themselves.  The need out of the hovering watchfulness, the shadow of their parents to find themselves, to experiment with ways of being.  The problem child also seeks places to hide, places to call their own.  This is both physical space, but also  mental space to work out their own ideas, and emotional space to figure out their own feelings.

It's the good kid that gets that space.  While isolated and craving attention, they also get the room to grow, the sunlight out from beneath the parent's shade.  They explore passions, find themselves, become strong, resilient, and self-controlled because they are not constantly under the control of another.  Someday, however, they pleaser will get tired of chasing their parent's attention and rebel.  They will see that the game unwinnable and reject their parents.  Paradoxically, this brings them into the problem arena and their rebellion gets them exactly what they always wanted...as soon as they stop wanting it.  Suddenly as teens the angels turn to demons, and parents pivot to keep them close.  They find approval and attention from peers who encourage rebellion and experimentation.  The obedient child has built a strong enough self to turn their back on the demands of parents, and has found a new source of approval.